“I decided it would be a super good idea to get a
hard-hitting interview ahead of the contest, especially being as I
am a very important surf journalist.”
With the Lexus Trestles Pro ready to start any day now,
I decided it would be a super good idea to get a hard-hitting
interview ahead of the contest, especially being as I am a
very important surf journalist. Hard-hitting interviews are what
important surf journalists do all day, along with some other
things, but you don’t need to know about all that stuff.
Despite being an important surf journalist, I had a problem.
Who could I possibly interview that would have something
interesting to say? And that, my friends, was not the easiest
question to answer.
After trying super hard to think of someone to call with my
pressing questions, I went down to the beach for a walk and hoped
that a smart idea would come to me like some kind of vision from
the sky or wherever it is that visions come from. Walking down the
beach, I slammed my toe into a cobble stone which made me squeal
loudly and say some swears.
Who put all these fucking rocks here?
Then I heard a voice, which made me very surprised because I did
not know there was anyone around right at that moment who might
have anything to say to me. Maybe at long last I was going to have
one of those vision things I’ve heard so much about.
“Hey, watch where you’re walking, idiot!”
“Who’s there?” I asked, as I looked around extremely confused.
If this was a vision, it wasn’t off to the ideal start.
“Down here, you dimwit. Last night a barnacle tried to crawl up
my ass and now you just stuck your foot in my face. I’m just a rock
trying to live, man.”
A rock was talking to me. This was not at all what I expected to
find when I wandered down to the beach, but the world is not always
how we imagine it to be. And I still did need an interview.
Suddenly I felt a burst of serendipity.
Who better than a Trestles cobble to give me the exclusive scoop
on who is going to win the Lexus Trestles Pro? A more perfect
interview could not possibly exist.
“Can I ask you some questions? What’s your name, anyway?”
“Nate’s my name. What kind of questions?”
“What do you know about professional surfing?”
“Ooooh, professional surfing. That sounds so important!”
If I’m honest, this did not feel like an especially promising
beginning. But I was not about to stop now. I had very important
surf journalism to do which requires so much determination and not
giving up at the first sign of difficulty.
“It is super important,” I argued. “People work hard to become
professional surfers, so they can try to win contests. Have you
heard about the upcoming Lexus Trestles Pro?”
“Oh, I hate those damn contests. All those people, trampling all
over me, kicking up sand. I work my ass off keeping that sand on
the beach. And another thing, the kids. The kids are the worst.
Always trying to touch everything. They never watch where they’re
walking and they get the anemones all ruffled. You think I’m
cranky, but you really don’t want to be around this joint when the
anemones get angry, let me tell you.”
“So, you know about the contest, is what you’re saying.”
“Of course, I know about the contest. I’m a rock, not an idiot.
All day long, there’s people on the beach. They talk about boards
non-stop, too, like omg this one is so magic! Do you people even
know how you sound right now? And yesterday, I got poked by a
tripod and that shit hurt.”
“Is there anything you actually like about surf contests?”
“It’s really fun when I get to trip some brat who gets paid a
bunch of money to go surfing all the time. Not gonna lie, I really
enjoy that part.”
“Do you ever like, watch any of the surfing? You’re here all the
time, so I’m sure you’ve seen some super sick stuff.”
“Not really. It’s not like I have the best angle from down here,
you know? It’s mostly a bunch of splashes and arms flying around up
there. What a bunch of silly prancing around. I don’t understand
why you all get so obsessed with this surfing thing. You know what
I like? A good tide swing. All that water flushes everything out
and rebalances the humors. It feels so good. You should try
it!”
“Um, okay, I’ll get right on that. I’ll admit that I have been
worried about my humors lately. Do you have a favorite surfer,
someone you think might win the contest, like anyone at all?”
“There’s this one girl, I think her name is Caity. She seems
really nice. I tried to trip her last week, but she didn’t fall for
it. She seems like a smart one. You should place a bet on her. I
hear online gambling is all the rage these days. All the kids are
doing it. You’d probably make a lot of money and you wouldn’t have
to waste your time asking rocks like me a bunch of dumb
questions.”
“That sounds like super good advice, except that I might lose
all my money, dude. You don’t always win, you know? Then I’d have
to ask even more dumb questions.”
“Now, now, no need to get testy. It was just an idea. You really
do need your humors rebalanced, don’t you. Just because you doubted
me, I’m going to laugh so hard when Caity wins. I’ll just be
sitting here on the beach, waiting for the tide, laughing at
you.”
I thanked my new bestie Nate for his super insightful comments
and made my way back down the beach. I considered exploring how to
rebalance my humors, but decided that some things are best left to
the rocks.
I was very disappointed that despite my best efforts, I did not
find the answers I sought to my important surf journalism
questions.
I still do not know who will win the Lexus Trestles Pro.
But I do feel like I have learned a valuable lesson here today.
Some stones are definitely best left unturned.
