What might have been.
Zach could not have been more excited for Christmas morning. The thirty-four-year-old serial entrepreneur, and outdoor enthusiast, had already had a wonderful year but X-mas morning, oh X-mas morning was going to be the icing on 2022’s cake. He had been in a relationship, you see, with his partner for eight months, now, after meeting them (pronouns: she/them with “them” representing allyship) while walking his French bulldog, Bodhi, near the beach in Santa Monica. Or, rather, bumped right into them.
He had been studying the waves, really taking in the peelers and imagining himself dropping in, feeling the rush on his brand-new 7-foot fish. Having taken up surfing during Covid, Zach had really impressed his buddies by graduating from Wavestorm to 9-foot Pro-Tech to the fish.
They called him “Big Ripper.”
So there he was, brain ripping, when bump!
He apologized profusely, of course, mumbling that he had been in the curl, mentally.
“In the curl?” she responded. “Do you surf?”
He nodded vigorously, she smiled and the two instantly began sharing dream trips.
His, Pipeline.
Theirs, The Box.
From then on they were practically inseparable, enjoying third-wave coffee from small Costa Rican fincas in the morning, glasses of natural chardonnay in the evening and before either knew it, the holiday season was upon them.
While both were “spiritual,” they agreed that organized religion caused most of the troubles in the world and hated consumerism but he just couldn’t help himself when he found the perfect gift.
The Body Glove tandem inflatable 2-person stand-up paddleboard.
Oh he imagined all the fun they would have, paddling together through the lineup, taking a breaker every now and again.
And she was just as thrilled as he had hoped when she had removed the bow squealing “Waimea here we come!” with delight.
Then the news broke.
They were snuggled up watching John Oliver absolutely shred Donald Trump when he looked at his Apple News alerts and read “Surf 9 Recalls Body Glove Tandem and ULI Inflatable Paddle Boards Due to Drowning Hazard; Sold Exclusively at Costco.”
He couldn’t go on as his eyes began to burn so she finished reading out loud.
Name of Product: Body Glove Tandem Inflatable Stand Up Paddle Board, ULI Inventor Inflatable Paddle Board, ULI Zettian Inflatable Supyak and ULI Lila Inflatable Supyak
Hazard: The glue on the inflatable paddle boards can separate at the seams and the paddle boards can deflate unexpectedly, posing a drowning hazard.
Remedy: Refund
Recall Date: December 29, 2022
X-Mas officially ruined.
