“Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets.”
Jonah Hill, whom you used to read about most days here until a very sweet phone call from the director, funnyman and surf inspiration made me sit back on my haunches and lick the indent where my balls used to be, is behind a new clothing label that skewers goons profiteering off the world’s $1.5 trillion wellness biz.
Alongside a photo of what appears to be the noted thirty-nine-year-old actor, although his surfer’s flaxen couronne has been replaced by a waterfall of brunette curls, is the company’s manifesto.
Meaningful Existence is the lifestyle and wellness COMMUNITY founded, run, and ruled by Prophet Ezekiel Profit.
Based on the teachings of Profit, WE HAVE one simple goal: to spread joy throughout the universe by Monetizing Happiness. Here at Meaningful Existence, we believe that no one is born into happiness. You have to work and earn money, and then buy it.
In a complicated world full of stress and doubt, we’re here to show you how much simpler things can really be when you allow us to take Complete Unrelenting Control. So welcome, we’re happy you found us. We will be the shirt on your back, the sweatshirt on top of the shirt, the slides on your feet, the blanket that tucks you in at night and, most importantly, the smile on your face. Meaningful Existence is everything, everything except a cult. PURCHASE our products and see for yourself.
To quote our leader, Prophet Ezekiel Profit: “Meaningful Existence is definitely not a cult. Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets™
Although Hill denies being the front for the brand, if you were to switch on tonight’s Lakers v Suns game at Crypto, you’d see the prophet enjoying ringside seats.
Now, Jesus Harvey Goddamn Christ can’t get ringside Lakers seats, but Hill sure can.
The prophet Ezekiel Profit’s bio reads,
Prophet Ezekiel Profit is a renowned spiritual guru, master of finance, and world-class conch blower.
He’s the author of twelve books, including the LIFE-CHANGING, “Meaningful Existence: Monetizing Happiness”. He resides at the Meaningful Existence headquarters, a 20,000 square foot beachside compound where he instructs his followers on how to live a better life through monetizing happiness.
Hill has skin in the mental health game. Grew up with money, good neighbourhood, schools etc, but a nebbish Jewish kid called Feldstein don’t get the bitch or the glitz, if you’ll excuse the uncharacteristic lapse into obscenity.
Whatevs, the meek sometimes do inherit the earth.
Just tees right now, forty bucks etc, only shipping domestically US and you gotta pre-order.
Happy Easter.
