“I look over and he’s whipped his penis out and he’s driving me along to the beach masturbating alongside a kid in a school uniform.”
The 1988 world champion of surfing, Barton Lynch, more known in recent epochs for his oratorical gymkhanas on WSL broadcasts and for a brief and misunderstood exploration of Marxism, has revealed a wild story of hitching a ride to the beach with a pedophile when he was a kid.
The almost sixty two year old, which places the story sometime in the mid-seventies, back when hitchers mysteriously vanished every other day, tells the story on his Stoked Bloke podcast, which he shares with influential surf personality and Kelly Slater bandmate Peter King.
Without any unnecessary gilding of the lily, as they say, Barton says the man jerked out his wand while driving and throttled the hell out of it while little BL watched
He explains,
“I’ve been there an hour-and-a-half on the side of the road. Three buses, they go every half-hour. And the car pulls up. I jump in, Manly please, and we’re driving along and the next thing you know I see out of my periphery, I can see this sort of uncomfortable movement.
“And I look over and he’s whipped his penis out and he’s driving me along to the beach masturbating alongside a kid in a school uniform.”
Here, Barton Lynch departs, briefly, from his Stoked Bloke persona.
“That filthy fucker, excuse my French, oh my god that’s the reality mate. I’ve had some extremely radical stories in my life.”
Comments revealed he ain’t the only kid to get haunted by what used to be called pedophiles but which now has been helpfully renamed MAPs or Minor Attracted Persons, the Canadian brain scientist James Cantor suggesting the letter P added to LGBTQ2S+.
“These people are saddled with a sexual orientation that they can’t express in any way, and Lord knows there is nothing more powerful than a man’s sex drive.” Pedophiles, he says, experience desire, affection, and heartbreak as strongly as anybody else. “It is a deep, dark, long-lasting ache, and they can’t tell a soul.”
Also, while we’re on the subject, Azalia Banks just dropped, and then deleted, this wild tweet.
