Slither into the comically cruel world of Karl Von’s post-Bells Power Rankings…
So much has happened this year! Fil quit, milk somehow became a topic of conversation, Gabriel is back in the arms of Daddy and has already had a meltdown!
What does this mean for my totally unbiased, scientifically rigorous, and enlighteningly shallow rankings?
Come, come, read the runes.
35. Caio Ibelli
A crappy beginning of the year for everyone’s favorite renegade leitão, shitting the bed in Hawaii where he performs best. He needs at least a QF to stand a chance of making the cut, which he’s more than capable of doing, with just the right amount of ripper- sub-electric- anesthetized surfing we all know and… whatever?
34. Deivid Silva
Needs a semi to stay alive. Nope.
33. Frederico Morais
Tiago Pires retired eight years ago, a fact that I had not known before trying to think of something to write for Frederico (hereby known as Fredder Cheddar) and only being able to say he’s Portuguese… wait, how about… part of the group that needs at least a QF finish to have a sniff of a chance of making the cut. How likely is that to happen, considering he hasn’t placed that high since 2021… wait, really? Damn.
32. Jacob Willcox
Despite surfing pretty well at Bells, like a facsimile of a crumpled scan of Wilko’s backhand attack, Jacob lost out to Kanoa in the Round of 32.
31. Eli Hanneman
Eli needs at least a semi at Margs to stay alive. Weirder things have happened, I guess, like sporting Rick Kanes do in your current WSL photo. That said, he rips, even if he’s only marginally heavier than a paper weight.
30. Filipe Toledo
Not getting into the Pipe performance or any of the underlying being scared of big waves garbage, it is a bit sad not to see Fil on Tour this year, as he’s probably the only one with the ability to make the shit conditions at Bells this year exciting surfing wise, much like he did in 2022 when he smoked everyone in similar surf. Shame he couldn’t just admit he was scared and pulled out of Pipe and surf the rest of the events… wait, damn it.
29. Joao Chianca
Injured surfing Pipe in December, Joao, one of last year’s finalists at Lowers, has yet to surf this season… shit… just read that he had brain bleeding, and without reading this garbage? Gnarly. Hopefully he recovers before the Olympics.
28. Samuel Pupo
Who does delusional faux rational nationalism best in professional surfing? I’d argue Australians, who are somehow adamant that Ronald is a good commentator despite being as objectively garbage as the rest of them. Dude compared Sammy in his Round of 32 heat at Bells to Fil based on no other connection than he was riding a Dark Arts board, which Fil is somewhat known for. Genius. As for Sammy, with a QF finish at Margs, he’s probably good.
27. Callum Robson
Two last-place finishes in the first four events sees poor young Callum below the cut line, a predicament beneath his stature as the upholder of dignity and decency on Tour. Should he fall off Tour, I am afraid he be relegated to having to interview Andy and Randy Pig every so often.
26. Kade Matson
A surprise quarterfinalist at Bells, Kade, while currently below the cut line, is in a good position to requalify, along with his fellow 2 percent San Clemente dorks… err, mates Griff, Bing, and Spot, for the 2025 season, needing just a ninth to for a probable chance and another QF to clinch. Will be cool for him to tell people in the future who get his number from the bus stop Coldwell Banker advert with his face plastered on it that he used to be pro.
25. Miguel Pupo
Stinks for Miggy that both Tahiti and Fiji events take place after the cut. If Margs sucks (likely), Miggy will probably find himself again surfing the minor leagues to requalify. Bonus points for the springsuits in Hawaii.
24. Gabriel Medina
One of the two best surfers in world, Gabe has had an uncharacteristically bad start to the year, rated 20th going into Margs. Despite his crappy position, Medina has proven himself to be a top-tier entertainer, peaking so far with his post-heat interview following his controversial loss to Rookie Cole Houshmand in the Round of 32 at Bells, whereby he declared that the judging was the worst he’s ever seen in a comp. Nice to see he’s still leading the charge into the latest phase of the Brazilian Storm: crying about judging. Sooooooooo wet… and siiiiiiiiiick.
23. Ramzi Boukhiam
Missing last year due injury, the dreamy Moroccan goofy finds himself on the right side of the cut heading into Margs. A real feel meh story.
22. Italo Ferreira
I am going to need him to start surfing well again, at least in the lead up to the new season of Ferreira Files.
21. Seth Moniz
Just on the wrong side of the cut after Bells, Seth needs to surf better. Period.
20. Ian Gentil
A semi at Pipe has him still in the running to requalify. Lanky frame, Brown Gumby should be able to exploit the slopey burger rights at Margarets to a decent result.
19. Kelly Slater
Watching Kelly this year has been like witnessing your super old, demented, terminal grandparent march toward their inevitable slowly rapid death, transforming into the wraithlike physical manifestation of a husk of human life… Sehnsucht… At least we all got to witness his episode of terminal lucidity in his Opening Round heat win at Bells. Something to hold onto, for sure.
18. Leonardo Fioravanti
He feels like he’s been around forever, probably because of Young Guns and because anything beyond two years ago on Tour I have no fucking clue about, so it is a little shocking to find out clicking on his profile on the rankings list that he is only 26. What is the likelihood that he passes Jezza as the best European surfer ever? Zero.
17. Imaikalani Devault
In a great position to requalify, I am excited to watch him surf junky El Salvador and “challenging” Rio later this year. Maybe he can get a win if enough dudes don’t show up.
16. Ryan Callinan
Except a couple of competitors I have arranged between seventh and twenty-third in these rankings, like Cole and Kelly, everyone feels like I should rate them sixteenth, none more than Ryan, who just oozes sixteenth.
15. Liam O’Brien
With solid results this year, paired with the unexpected demise of compatriot Callum, Liam finds himself upholding the legacy of Australian surf fodder, in addition to human Chia Pets everywhere, who seemed a lot more common even just ten years ago.
14. Jake Marshall
With two ninths and two fifth place finishes this year, somehow Snake is in the Top 5 (4th!). While certainly exciting, I’m sure, at least among those who also love watching paint dry, this development can only be seen as proof that the ratings system is broken.
13. Crosby Colapinto
In the Top 10 after reasonably solid results, highlighted by a semi finish in Portugal, Crosby appears to have had no problem adjusting to ‘CT competition. Perhaps the support he has from San Clemente’s 2% crew has brought him the right mix of competition and home comfort he needs to thrive on the scene. Speaking of, better names for the group surely exist for them to be called, right? Why not the Garbage Pail Kids San Clemente (I mean Griff looks just like one) or the Homeschool Mafia? That last one would be absolutely badass. Oh well, I guess they can continue to refer to themselves by their favorite pastime of consuming their calcium via shelving 2% milk cartons.
12. Connor O’Leary
… must resi… resist the… urge… to compare him to Ace… if only because such comparison could only be seen as a slap to fAce.
11. Cole Houshmand
Reading about Medina’s post-heat interview and getting caught up in the buzz surrounding the reaction to his losing to Cole at Bells, I decided to watch the heat convinced that what I was going to see was Gabe getting absolutely ripped off. That didn’t happen. Cole surfed marginally better and won the heat. Then going on to win the event, I was wondering to myself whether I should have found it impressive, concluding that, no, Asings happen. After devoting too much time to that, I ended up thinking how Cole definitely knows every word to “Semi-Charmed Life” despite being born three years after its release.
10. Yago Dora
The highest-ranked Brazilian so far, Yago has the game to get himself into the Top 5 for Low… wait, he’s sixteenth? Woof, I guess I should pay more attention.
9. Rio Waida
Rio’s semi against Griff at Bells showed viewers that he was capable of surfing greatish. His only real problem to doing well is that he’s smol, unable to produce the type of spray bigger dudes are able to produce that seems more impressive. Perhaps he should start a Scores at Every Size (SAES) campaign to the judges to get them to make the excellent score range available for thin guys who eat cigarettes for breakfast.
8. Kanoa Igarashi
After four straight seasons in the Top 10, Kanoa fell to number 14 last year, a disappointing position for Quiksilver’s Kintarō, who many expected to fight for Titles on his way to establishing a New World Order. This year, he seems to, by results at least, be surfing better, having nabbed a second place at Sunset to propel himself into the Top 7. You’re welcome for that summary.
7. Matthew McGillivray
Rated this highly because I think he should do well at Margs, surfing shitty rights to an exceedingly adequate degree.
6. Jordan Michael Smith
Hawaii season was very good to our favorite goober. Too bad he followed up his quarter and semi results there with back-to-back seventeenths in Portugal and Bells. I hope that he goes on a tear and ends up winning the Title, if only so that he can fulfill the dying wish of former President Jimmy Carter of wishing him the peanutiest birthday in October for his hundredth.
5. Barron Mamiya
Winning Pipe, it seemed like maybe Barron had finally started putting things together enough to become a legitimate Title contender. Unfortunately, he, like he did subsequent to winning Sunset during his rookie year, has followed up with crummy results. With the ability to win anywhere now that Lemoore is off, I believe that he will be able to do it.
4. Jack Robinson
On display during his masterful win at Sunset, Jack’s talent can become intoxicating to observers, especially those of an Aussie persuasion, who view him as… I don’t know exactly what, but something or someone of overly lofty esteem who should win stuff. I do wonder, now that he’s a dad, how much further down the rabbit hole of pop-Orientalism he is willing to travel to get to wherever it is he’s going. Perhaps he’s already there. Good for him if so… should be able to bank on the Local Scoring Boost in West Oz to help him out in the next comp.
3. Ethan Ewing
Second in the world right now, Ethan has a real chance of winning it all this year, especially with the King of Two-Foot Trestles gone. It will be interesting to see how Kermit does in Tahiti and Fiji, though they are likely to have no bearing on what happens at Lowers.
2. Griffin Colapinto
Almost able to go back-to-back at Portugal and Bells, Griff appears to be in the driver’s seat for the Final Five, where he conceivably be considered a favorite. I would like to know if he would allow me to pretentiously interview him for a long-form piece here about sadness, motivation, and becoming an avatar of Gen-Z sad boy culture.
1. John John Florence
It would surprise absolutely no one if John John won Margs. He is the person to beat there. It would be nice to see him make a Finals push. That out of the way, on Chad and DLS’s latest podcast they were talking about Nathan as if he was equal to John in terms of coming first to mind when talking surfing, which is interesting to contemplate on in consideration of the fact that Nathan only has a career because of JJF’s surfing ability.
Whatever, I listened to it and deserve the resulting brain rot.
