“This really isn’t surfing—this is riding
artificial waves in a pool with a surfboard.”
Like General MacArthur returning to the
Philippines, I have returned to the Palm Springs
Surf Club (“PSSC”).
When I last visited, it was January, the water was a balmy 55
degrees, I was paddling on a torn triceps tendon (which really
should have occurred to me at the time), and I did not get to surf
the slabbing wave setting on account of some pumps being down.
A mere days after my prior article was published, PSSC announced
it was shutting down for further repairs/refinements. Was this a
direct result of my hard-nosed investigative prowess? My ego says
yes, but common sense would suggest that this was inevitable if
people were shelling out the dough for private/more expensive
sessions and the pool was only capable of pumping out the
intermediate wave.
Nine months and one distal triceps tendon repair surgery since
then, PSSC is back open for business. So, has anything changed? Is
the slabbing wave any good? Is this place really a worthy venue for
the ‘28 Olympics?
Read and find out.
Or don’t, go directly to the comments section, and see if you
can somehow turn this subject into a political debate instead—I
hear that Arnold Palmer’s schlong is quite the talk of the town
these days.
Unlike my last PSSC visit, I am not alone. Com’s buddy is also
booked for the very same sessions—the slab wave in the morning and
the intermediate wave in the afternoon.
I have not told him that he might not be ready for the slab wave
given that he’s a bit slower than I am to get to his feet (and in
that sense, maybe I’m not all that ready either). In fact, I have
told him precisely the opposite, and there’s a fair chance he’ll
ultimately be pissed at me for telling him that it’s an easy chip
in and that he’ll have no problem getting pool barreled when I have
no idea whether this is actually true. In any event, he is a strong
swimmer, so I’m pretty sure he won’t panic and think he’s going to
drown if he gets pitched and pounded.
With this potential setback in mind, I have prophylactically
gifted him as an early gag birthday present, a 5-fin set from
Phallic Fins, which are convincingly shaped like dicks. These fins
will become unexpectedly noteworthy later in the day in a rather
bemusing way.
10:00 a.m.: Upon entry, the place looks roughly
the same as my last visit, though construction of what appears to
be the framework for a small hotel overlooking the pool is under
way.
When I inquire about the wave setting applicable to the earlier
sessions we are observing, YET FUCKING AGAIN, barrel hubris
strikes—there are no barreling waves at PSSC on offer today in any
of the public sessions. This time, it is not a technical issue with
the pumps like it was back in January. Instead, PSSC has presumably
moved the goalposts in terms of what constitutes the “Advanced
A-Frame,” a setting that was formerly described as follows:
“These slabby cylinders give surfers the option to pull in on
the takeoff and come out in time to do one or two more turns if you
are quick enough.”
Now, it basically looks like the intermediate wave I surfed back
in January with perhaps a touch more height and a touch more juice,
but it is certainly not barreling (and as of the publishing of this
article, the photo on the PSSC website for the Advanced A-Frame
misleadingly still shows the very same barreling wave the website
displayed back in January).
That being said, the other explanation for this could be that
PSSC originally overrepresented the “Advanced A-Frame” in the first
place, and this is merely the same wave setting that was formerly
described as “slabby cylinders.” On the second or third wave of
each 6-wave set, you might get a very brief little head dip, but
“slabby cylinders” or a proper barrel this is certainly not.
There’s still a slab/barreling setting as I understand it, but
you’ll evidently have to book a private session for that. This is
also coupled with the fact that the public sessions for this wave
are 1/3rd more expensive than they were back in January. I have
doubts about whether this business model is going to work out for
PSSC unless they have all kinds of private sessions reliably lined
up for like the next 10 years. At any rate, there are no barrels
for peasants in Palm Springs unless they start making those waves
available for public sessions in the future.
This sets PSSC apart from the majority of the other
quasi-affordable wave pools out there. The fact that URBN Surf in
Sydney is $109 AUS (which is like, $30 USD) per hour while Waco is
$179 USD per hour further makes the $224 USD per hour PSSC price
tag on the pricier end of things.
I suppose I am just not going to know what the PSSC slab is
like, as the aforementioned lack of transparency coupled with the
price hike is not exactly making me particularly jazzed about
returning. As George W. Bush once brilliantly said, “Fool me once,
shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”
11:30 a.m.: The first session gets under way,
and what do you know, this wave has more push than the intermediate
wave I surfed last January. It’s about 3 – 3.5 feet throughout, and
the end section, though still tricky, doesn’t just completely
evaporate as you come off your top turn (this time, it just mostly
evaporates). Getting three turns in is also a bit easier than it is
on the intermediate wave. My 6’4” asym rail line is still way too
long for this wave, so I manage three turns per wave only once
during the entire session.
I will say though, that surfing this pool in boardshorts and a
rashguard in 70ish degree water is a far more pleasant experience
than in 55 degree water with a 4/3 and booties. What’s more, I find
a way to exclusively go right (I despise lefts) after none of the
other surfers presumably feel like insisting that the biggest guy
out there switch sides. In any event, I can see how enough reps on
this wave might improve your surfing when you’re on a wave every
two minutes and fifteen seconds during the course of an hour.
12:30 p.m: The first session wraps up, and my
buddy and I hit the bar and the lazy river on the other side of the
property where the non-surfing sunbathers are. We are told by two
separate bartenders and at least one lifeguard that beers on the
lazy river are fine if in a plastic cup. And if you pass up a
chance to sip a beer on a lazy river, you clearly hate freedom and
are likely a Russian and/or Chinese spy.
After one lazy river lap, another teenage lifeguard who is less
than half my age and a foot shorter than me tells us no beers
allowed and that beer drinking only applies on weekends. My buddy
reminds him that today is goddamn Saturday and that we were told
otherwise by multiple employees, but he changes his explanation to
“summertime weekends.” I chug my beer and depart the lazy river as
the kid tries to give me a lecture about not listening to him. I
give him an indifferent stare, say nothing, and walk back to the
bar for another beer.
The swimming pool that the lazy river encircles is 90% full of
men and women alike who absolutely do not have the body type to
pull off their respective swimwear of choice. Truth be told, it’s a
rather accurate representation of the general American populace
these days in terms of both BMI and abject self-delusion. Still,
you’d have to be staying at a pretty nice hotel in the greater Palm
Springs/Palm Desert area to do much better than these pool
accommodations. It also appears that PSSC now has the waterslides
of the former water park working, and there are fair few screaming
kids about.
In terms of hosting a surf contest of any appreciable
significance, the venue can accommodate a crowd of perhaps a couple
thousand who might have a view of the wave if this is where the ‘28
Olympics is going to be, though this will be a far cry from the 50K
– 70K person capacity stadiums that will be hosting the sports that
anyone actually cares about.
I further expect that the 120 degree air and 90 degree water
that will predominate during the months of July and August is bound
to cause a bit of heat stroke among the athletes and the attending
fans alike. I’m not sure if running the competition at night is
going to substantially change that, but there might be some
lawsuits either way.
2:30p.m.: I decide to switch to a 6’1” Dark
Arts twin for the next session and crush my sixth alcoholic
beverage of the afternoon. As the other surfers start to get ready
for the afternoon session, my buddy and I are solicited by another
surfer on behalf of his friend who only has brought side fins and
needs to borrow a center fin.
We inform him that we can absolutely lend him a center fin, but
it’s a fin that is literally shaped like a dick. His eyes narrow,
he gives us a “what the fuck is wrong with you guys?” look, and
mumbles that his friend will probably figure something out. We
never learn whether or not his friend has just opted to go without
a center fin in lieu of a dick fin or was otherwise accommodated
with less phallic looking equipment.
3:00 p.m.: The intermediate wave is pretty much
the intermediate wave I surfed last January. It turns out that the
Dark Arts twin goes way better than my prior board choice and I
even somehow manage a backside carve or two when I finally end up
going left.
4:00 p.m.: The intermediate session ends and I
am somehow just about as gassed after two sessions in boardshort
water temperature than I was after three sessions back in January
in 4/3 water temperature. In lieu of hanging out any further in
Palm Springs, we make our way back to Orange County.
6:40 p.m.: A few much delayed post-surf beers
are imbibed at Unsung Brewery in Anaheim. My buddy has caught the
bug and suggests we get a group together for a private session. I’m
more than a bit ambivalent about that, but there’s no way I’m gonna
be the guy who both fronts and thereafter seeks reimbursement of
the $7,000 private session price tag for two hours in that tub from
11 other surfers.
So, to answer the questions posed at the beginning, has anything
changed? Well, the pool is fully operational, but the Advanced
A-Frames are certainly not the “slabby cylinders” that were
previously advertised. All public sessions are also 1/3rd more
expensive as they previously were. There are also more non-surfer
patrons than there were in January (most of whom need to make more
realistic choices in their swimwear) and the waterslides appear to
be working. Whether you can drink a beer on the lazy river depends
on who you talk to.
Is the slabbing wave any good? I’ll likely never know.
Is this place really a worthy venue for the ‘28 Olympics? I’d
rather watch the ‘28 Olympics held in 1 – 2 foot onshore Huntington
Beach slop than in this place. On principle alone, as stated in my
previous article, this really isn’t surfing—this is riding
artificial waves in a pool with a surfboard. In terms of the
ability to accommodate an in-person crowd, Huntington Beach
obviously blows this place out of the water, not to mention the
fact that the weather at the beach in July and August is far more
temperate than in the middle of the desert.
But if the goal is to create an utterly miserable experience for
the surfers, fans, and onsite staff during the swelting July and
August months, by all means, hold the ‘28 Olympics at PSSC.
