Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse, then
perhaps this article is not for you.
I have seen The Greatest Surf Movie In The
Universe (hereinafter “TGSMITU”), alone, and in a
completely empty theater (though I’m still planning on the La
Paloma screening this Saturday evening and giving out free
hugs).
Lest that description sound a little Paul Reubens, the
circumcises…ahem…circumstances, of my decision to see this movie by
myself must placed within their context before I penetrate into the
substance of my review. Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse,
then perhaps this article is not for you.
I got out of the water this morning after a rather shit surf and
was approached by an alarmingly strung-out Pier Bowl vagrant whilst
I was the middle of changing with only a towel around my waist.
This gentleman presented me with a half-eaten bag of beef jerky,
told me that he’d bought the whole thing for $12, but that he’d
sell it to me for $5.
Having no desire for fentanyl-laced jerky or to part with $5 USD
(that’s like, $30 AUS for you bogans), I replied that I had no cash
on me and prepared for the possibility that I’d either need to
retreat or defend myself with my weener flopping about in the event
my response would make this guy snap (my plan was to throw the
towel at his head in that event). His eyes narrowed menacingly, he
took one small, aggressive step in my direction, feigned a laugh,
and moved on.
In light of my near-run brush with naked combat, and given my
weekend plans to see movie that prominently features weeners (i.e.,
TGSMITU), it occurred to me that there have been some pretty epic
weener fights in cinema history. The viking movie The Northman
comes to mind as the most recent example of this, though I was
disappointed to learn that Alexander Skarsgard’s hog was never
actually filmed and said appendage was added in post with CGI (I
would absolutely put “weener CGI” as a skill on my resume were I
part of that special effects team). Eastern Promises is a film
where Viggo Mortensen (a.k.a. Aragorn) fights naked in a shower
with a very real, non-CGI weener on prominent display. In the
comedy department, Ken Jeong’s modest package features rather
immodestly in a fight scene in The Hangover.
Having seen TGSMITU, however, I can decidedly say that this film
has upped the ante in the cinematic weener combat department to
unprecedented levels. More on that later.
Back to my morning, though I had already made plans to see
TGSMITU in Encinitas the following evening, I couldn’t help but
weener…ahem…wonder, how much of a USA-based distribution this film
actually has. To my surprise, not only was TGSMITU screening at the
AMC Theaters at the Block in Orange, the first show was started at
10:10 a.m. in roughly an hour. This was not an opportunity to be
missed.
Though I expected the theater to be packed with dozens of
passionate Brazilian surf fans, I found myself the only patron in
the entire theater. That being said, there is (spoiler alert) not a
single Brazzo featured in TGSMITU. It is therefore little wonder
why they did not show up despite commanding the Californian numbers
to constitute half of the fans present at every WSL Lowers Finals
Day since that dumb format was established. Pedro Scooby and/or
Ricardo Toledo clearly had a hand in this boycott.
And though I was utterly alone watching a surf movie like some
miserable, lonely hermit, I enjoyed TGSMITU immensely. The stop
motion animation came across far better than expected. The voice
acting of the surfers was decidedly sharp and edited smartly to
great comedic effect. Above all, there was only about 10 minutes of
actual surfing in the film, which made me realize something about a
full-length surf movie lasting over an hour—an endless string of
clips gets really boring really quickly.
Perhaps TGSMITU’s crowning achievement, though, is the weener
fight at the climax of the movie. In this instance, it is not
merely stop motion animation of naked dolls fighting each other—the
weeners themselves are the weapons. The fight choreography in that
regard is also martially sound were one to assume that a weener
could be implemented as a weapon of self-defense. There are weener
thrusts, weener slashes, and weener parries that might otherwise be
mistaken for a machete fight. And though most real weeners would
obviously be incapable of such violence, it has made me seriously
consider obtaining a sturdy dildo for home defense purposes.
The Hobbit Hemsworth is also delightful as the narrator, clearly
having fun with his deadpan delivery. Even the otherwise annoying
voice of Joe Turpel is used deftly within the comedic framework.
Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard sitting all by
myself since watching breakdancing in the Olympics last week.
Is this a movie that a non-surfer would find funny or even come
close to understanding? Certainly not. Is this a movie that a
casual surfer unfamiliar with the WSL and the world of professional
surfing would appreciate? Not really. But would your average,
below-the line BeachGrit denizen enjoy this movie? Absolutely.
Above all, TGSMITU is a surf movie that practically demands to
be seen in a theater, whether you are sitting there by yourself, or
within a packed theater with grown men insisting on giving out free
hugs.
Either way, just don’t expect the Brazzos to show up.
