Welcome to the Pipeline of Pablum.
There is something particularly depressing about
sunrises in the United Arab Emirates. I have experienced a
fair share and each is uniquely bleak. Maybe its the way that
desert particulates mingle with smoke and the labored breaths of
Pakistani slaves. Maybe its just knowing that the day to come will
be filled with eyefuls of dainty men’s sandals on pedicured men’s
feet. The one thing I am certain of, though, is today, that
depression will feel a bit weightier and especially for those who
invested in Kelly Slater’s dream.
The Surf Abu Dhabi Pro kicked off, yesterday, and JP Currie will
break it down properly, soon. I tuned in for three or four waves
and was bored straight into submission. I honestly could not
believe how painful it was to watch, all moral, environmental, etc.
issues aside. As a pure sporting spectacle, is tub surfing the
worst on earth?
The novelty wears off after three hacks to the lip, I reckon,
for longtime professional surf watchers and first time professional
surf watchers alike. What remains is throbbingly dull repetition.
No surfer, but maybe the recently-minted big wave
wrangler Filipe Toledo, can do anything different from
another and so watchers are simply left wondering when they
will fall and put a merciful end to it.
Consequence-free tedium.
And I am really racking my brain to find something worse. Chess,
lawn bowls, test cricket and marathons are generally cited as
dreary to watch but each have nuances, strategies, histories and
finely tuned masters.
Competitive tub surfing has… nothing. The difference between a
5.43 and a 6.21 arbitrary, the skill of the players flattened, the
mechanical wave, itself, a pipeline of pablum.
Surf Abu Dhabi will likely be successful as a destination, as is
Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch as a rich flex, but no man, woman, child
or Pakistani slave should ever be subjected to watching Jackson
Bunch hit the crumbling lip on a left that refuses to barrel ever
again. If there was hope, amongst the oil-rich that yesterday would
be the dawn of a brave new live sporting era in the Emirates, well,
a swing and a miss.
Suck it, fat boys.
