“All the bluster, all the build up, and here we are
back praying for waves…”
Well Hello, tenuous internet friends!
Been a long time, shouldn’t have left you…etc
Yet the beat of the WSL remains very much the same.
Or as my old man was wont to say in the
mildly-racist-through-ignorance landscape of 1990s west Scotland,
“Same darkie, different haircut.”
Though I, for one, am delighted the WSL is back. If only as a
convenient scapegoat for all manner of personal failings.
As you may not know nor care, I’m currently writing a book.
Which apparently involves substance abuse and indulgence of vices
left, right and hither. All mostly in lieu of actually writing
publishable words.
So it follows that watching hours of live surfing and calling it
work feels very liberating.
But it’s a feeling, one might imagine, akin to Stockholm Syndrome, this
unrepentant urge to greedily gulp down the monotone platitudes of
Joe Turpel, the amphetamine wittering of Kaipo Guerrero, and the
flatlining back up acts of Jesse and Flick; and yet to
simultaneously hate them with all of your being.
Then hate yourself more for wanting them.
But consume them we will.
And once again it’s a fever dream tour of what might be. All the
bluster, all the build up, and here we are back praying for waves
at sub-par Pipeline.
It was a party of fours and fives. The only score going into the
“Excellent” range was a flat eight for a Jack Robinson barrel to
open his heat, but that looked juiced.
They went stat crazy in the booth, regardless. But the analytics
customary in Americanised sport remain an awkward fit for the loose
parameters of pro surfing.
Still, Kaipo persisted on introducing one meaningless stat after
another. The screen graphics did little to add to my understanding,
or the perceived relevance.
Here are some stats of my own: just 33.33% of male surfers
managed heat totals in double figures today. 50% of those occurred
in just two heats. In these heats, 100% of the surfers scored
double figure totals.
How do you like them apples, Kaipo?
The scoring was testament to the judge’s silent insistence that
barrels were the only maneuver that would score.
It makes sense at Pipe, of course, but only if the waves are
sufficient. There were some tubes on offer, mainly at Backdoor and
the opaque Aints.
But the stubborn refusal of the judges to allow the surfing to
suit the conditions is confounding.
Sure, none of us really want to see a comp at Pipe based on
airs, but if that’s what’s dictated by the conditions on offer,
then so be it. Furthermore, is this not communicated to the surfers
clearly? Or do they just ignore the stated criteria by now?
Several surfers performed stylish airs to only paltry reward.
Yago Dora being one example. He’ll surf in the elimination round as
a result.
An interesting note was that Dora has separated work and family
business by extracting himself from his father’s coaching stable.
No more awkward match-ups with Robinson then.
On coaches, if we heard once today what a wild and wacky
personality Doug Silva is, we heard it fifty times. Apropos of
what, I’m unsure. Seth Moniz winning his heat, maybe? Silva was
nowhere to be seen. Joe and Ross outsourced for energy
nonetheless.
Another little Turpel quirk to pay attention to this season (we
might as well make it a drinking game) is how often he refers to
something (in monotone) as “another great story” or words to that
effect. According to Turpel, there are always “so many great
stories”.
I’m yet to hear one.
However, we did get a slightly less judgy version of Mumsnet for
a while as a pregnant Carissa Moore joined Turpel. Predictably,
everything was wonderful, and challenging, and blessed. Carissa and
Joe with the baby-joy vibe. Harmlessly saccharine.
My favourite performers in the water were Jordy Smith and Ian
Gouveia, both of whom emoted vigorously on a lacklustre day.
For Jordy, it was sheer froth. A self-described “mad surf dog”,
Smith answered the unasked questions about what he’s still doing on
Tour.
“I love surfing. I love competing. The life we have is
incredible. Until something better comes along, this is it.”
Right on, Jordy, I found myself saying. I feel you, brother.
Gouveia, too, was full of gratitude for being back on Tour after
a seven-year absence. He’d thrown everything at a last ditch effort
to qualify, apparently. Making it back was clearly meaningful. He
struggled to compose himself “on the glass”, as they say. Not only
had he made it back, but he had dispatched John Florence and Eli
Hanneman at Pipeline, albeit all three men were separated by just
0.21 points.
Other returning heroes included Filipe Toledo and Kelly
Slater.
Filipe got the job done today, as pro surfers are so blandly
fond of saying.
It was “easy, small”, he said. “No big risks out there.”
Everything he’s prayed for.
No-one had asked him about his conditions or his fear. Clearly
it still lurks, crocodile-like, somewhere very near the
surface.
If there is a god, surely Kelly Slater has been closer to her
than most. But not for some time.
More stats for you:
It was Slater’s first heat win at Pipe since 2022, but his 99th
there of all time.
After the opening round of the first event of the 2025 season,
Kelly Slater has won a third of the number of heats he won in the
entirety of last season.
The GOAT braying will persist any time he’s near a surf
competition, and that’s not all his fault. But the reality is
stark. Slater won just three heats in the whole of the 2024 season,
(two were in Tahiti). In 2023, he notched just five heat wins.
It’s been a long time between drinks. Today, he won with a
grubby looking board. He hadn’t surfed in five weeks, he said. A
well-worn Slater trope.
But something old, something new. Today was the first chance to
digest the Tour rookies.
Al Cleland is creating a stir. He has family pedigree, an
admirable aesthetic, and the quirk of being the first ever Mexican
surfer to make the WCT. He squeaked through to the round of 32
between Jack Robinson and Liam O’Brien. Though one might assume the
forecast doesn’t play to his expected skill set.
Of the rookies, Frenchman Marco Mignot was the standout, winning
his heat against Joao Chianca and Ryan Callinan.
The lack of French surfers on the WCT over the course of history
remains something to ponder.
Australia’s George Pittar will also avoid the elimination round.
So too Brazil’s Edgard Groggia (fantastic name!)
But Joel Vaughan and Jackson Bunch will need to slog it out with
more established surfers, including Dora and Griffin Colapinto, if
they want to stay in the competition.
Overall, some interest but no fireworks.
The comp is off for a couple of days due to the abysmal
forecast. Welcome back to groundhog day.
